Insomnia entry 1

It comes to the same stage at 11.30 each night when the Claire within begs, almost embarrassingly begs me to relinquish the thoughts and feelings and emotions the day has brought me in sweet sacrifice of sleep so desperately needed. The day is amazing isn't it, it gives us insomniacs the fuel for our night, of persistent dwelling on matters that are not even worth worrying about, but seem so crucial in thy minds eye, when the lack of sleepiness comes upon us and we are just hurtled down the road of repetition and replay of things we could and perhaps should have done better. .

Insomnia entry 1.

Hazy Happiness

Do you ever drift seamlessly through moments of euphoria and then sink down the crevices of inertia  in the beat of a heart? I do. Im one of those people that can never just be so so. You know the type, you have a headache, I have a migraine, you like someone, I wanna have their babies, it tastes good, I just had an orgasm..  Then in the same fret of the melody , your sad, I'm on the phone to Jenny from the Samaritans, yeah you know Jenny...shes not from the block. You feel a little run down, Im looking for bone marrow donors,,,

The thing is I seem to do this whilst still  been very understated and whilst accusing others of drama queenness, I vow to try to be less Gok Wan and more Maury from daytime tv....  He reminds me of someone I just cant think who (I bet his a sex magnet in real life).

The man in my life was talking about some dreams he was having recently, that he felt was unnerving, personally I couldn't see the madness he seemed to see, I mentioned something that often comes up in my dreams and he went silent for a while, and quickly the conversation moved on.  (and no I'm not going to tell you, that will remain between me and the shocked him).  I call that top trumps, and wasn't even trying. Maybe I do need help :p

Just as an after thought, I am soon to meet with my on-line wow buddies in London on the 6th. I hope we dont duel......

Random stuff in my head...

Questions I would like answers to...

Its smells so good, so intense the odour clouds my mind.

It tastes so good, so decedent that I need to fall inside.

It looks so good, I can gaze too long or il never be found again.

It feels so good, I have no breathe, I am lost now, I don't want to be found.

There's a girl who looks out of the window each day at 4 oclock and has a number 5 written across her forehead. You would think it would say 4.

I wonder if birds close their eyes to sleep, if they do, do they dream of words or do they dream of something fresh and seasonal...like the television cooks seem to do.

Why does the news of the world newspaper only run stories about footballers shagging women. Where is the world news?

Why was I looking at pictures of people playing brass instruments earlier and thinking it was a sexual fetish?

Why do I like batfink?  I wish Nicola Turkington would read this. He would know why.

I wish I knew where the bracelet was I believed was haunted when I was about 13. Did I really lose it during that talk with Mehnaz and Kellie at the East London crematorium

Why did I feel the need to climb across shed roofs when a teenager, knowing that I would always end up falling through them and maiming myself,

Why did mum make me wear knee high socks.....They only reached to the middle of my calf.

Why did I once compose a song devoted to onion relish?.

Why, quite out of the blue did I shout after a train passing the back of my house "and you can fuck off with the money".....I don't know,  

Why did the museum in Stratford close down?, it was a think of beauty and intrigue.

Why did I lose all matter of control and laugh for an hour constantly when shown a picture of a canal in a history lesson once.

Why do I sneeze when I look at the sun?

Why do I feel like I am the only person who ever watched Martin the vampire movie.

The Rift and the brick wall..........

Good Evening fellow bloggers.

My blog today is called the rift and the brick wall. My fellow guildies will know that I am currently taking a holiday from playing the on-line game of World of Warcraft. I have hung up my guild mistress shoes for a week or two and have unhinged myself from all the responsibilities and worries and concerns it has been giving me for some time.  This was a big decision by me, I am and I admit here, an utter control freak when it comes to my guild. I feel very much like its parent. To let it go for a even a week or two was hard for me. But with the situation we currently have, I am prone to hitting my head against a brick wall. The guild I am is a wonderful mix of people who are friends of mine. Its like a funny dysfunctional family at times. Most of us playing so much we know more about some of our on-line buddies then we do our real-life ones.  However because the people are so nice its very hard to say "Can you please do better, your holding us back". Because we are so polite, it means it never gets said in the right way. The truth is we have hit a point in the progress of the game where we cant go beyond. I'm actually looking forward to the nerf the dungeons will get in the future patch. Its getting very dull whizzing through a dungeon only to be held back by end bosses that cant be downed because collectively we don't match the dps needed. The only additional pain in the ass feature it will mean is the new gamplay is still going to be out of our grasp eg firelands. I hope I am wrong to be honest. But Cataclysm has meant this game is not as much fun as it was...mostly because its forced people to play better and on certain fights are incredibly unforgiving of the slightest of mistakes(ok not a bad thing) but for some its made it not as enjoyable. 

I will be back in a week or so, I guess back to the same situation I dislike, but back to people I like a great deal (and miss).

Currently I am playing RIFT. If you haven't played it yet its basically a wow, conan, lotr ripoff. However its very good. Feels fresh and new, and I feel all shiny again like I'm a noob. I like the noob feeling. I love the exploration of new lands, facing new foes. I am playing a warrior right now. Tanking in fact and I love it. God I wish I had bullrush on my palladin in wow!! http://rift.zam.com/en/ability/55959725/Bull-Rush.

If you would like to try it, I am playing on fireward roleplay/pvp realm europe and I play ctearus. I am also in a guild full of dull people that are not my vanilla dudes and dudettes and I am kinda lonely without them. Thats why I will play rift in the future, but wow is where the heart is. So I will be back....but I hope I wont be treading such a rocky path,,, Its hard to be so optimistic and leadershipy all the time...

Number, numbers......Grrrrr Numbers.

I love Saturday nights. Its the one day in the week where I can really relax and chill. Saying that I found myself scanning schemes of work for year three today , because I really wanted to, ordering some educational books for next year from Amazon- and been a little excited about my new class next year. I don't think I am capable of switching off. This Friday just gone, I actually felt sad that I wouldn't see work colleagues for a week. We ended up going out for a drink after work and I was mildly surprised at the out of work personalities of the people I share the bigger part of the day with. I wondered if I was sad that I spend a great deal of my time dreaming up crazy lessons to teach. Why is it after nearly 10 years of teaching I still love it? I love having the attention of 30 children, I love challenging what they think or giving them new ideas to think about, I love empowering them and making them feel worthy. Some teachers unfortunately burn out and fall out of love with the profession....I guess I did with secondary school teaching. I was lucky enough to be able to go into primary school teaching. It wasn't easy. I pretty much had to retrain. My biggest thing to overcome was having to learn how to teach mathematics (it was never my strong point). I have had to learn how to teach lots of methods I never ever used before...the bus stop method, the grid method, the extended multiplication method, the tree method of calculating fractions... to name a few.

Numbers worry me. I also have a problem with retaining numbers. Years I am fine with....Norman Conquest 1066, WW1 1914-1918, WW2 1939-1945.... But phone numbers....Um...I don't know my own phone number of my mobile number, I never remember birthdays, I never remember anniversary. I have no idea what my partners birthday is....

Numbers give me a type of dyslexia. I have never had this confirmed but I do think I have this. I try so hard to retain them but I cant (this makes mental maths very hard- I have to do it by scribbling down the calculations on paper).

It will be my challenge next year- not the level of teaching it...at year 3 its not that difficult...More so I have to conquer my fears associated with maths. If I was to get in a time machine and go back to my time at primary school I would see me been forced to stand on my table and rote call my 6 times table to my class and get it horribly wrong and have my teacher call me a "idiot". The teacher made me do this everyday, because I couldn't retain the times tables. I remember crying my eyes out every morning before I went to school as I knew it was time for my daily degradation  in front of peers who already thought I was a weird kid.

Sadly it turned me a bit into a maths rebel by the age of 15/16. I turned up for my maths exam without a scientific calculator and when asked by my teacher if I wished to borrow one, I said no...I will do it in my head. I then proceeded to write in random numbers into the paper and walked out early, knowing I hadn't got a single question correct. I was that fucked off with it. That fucked off with been totally shit at something I so wanted to be good at.

I paid the heavy price. I went to college to study for my A-levels and fostered my dream of becoming a teacher...only to find I had to get a maths qualification to even get accepted (WTF, Why the hell do I need maths when I am going to teach history!!!!). Result was, I had to study again in my own time, between my A levels. I scrapped a C.

Today I plan numeracy schemes of work, I plan them well and I teach them well. I wish i had me as a teacher back then when I needed someone to just realise we don't all learn the same way...

Master Vanilla Forum Poster

I thought I would speak about my guild today. Its a strange vocation as a guild mistress. I don't think anyone expected me to be any good at it when I was in my old guild. In fact my on-line persona was very different to the CM of today. One of the reasons is I am ofc a little older, but then that I have to be responsible in a way I never had to when I was a officer in my previous guild. I have other people to do that for me. I was just a bit of spirit, a laugh, a flirtatious person. I was however very very good at keeping guild spirit up, and I knew how to delegate, to those who knew more.

Then Vanilla came along and I was so nervous that I wouldn't be professional enough that I couldn't manage everyone well enough, that it would descend into chaos every time someone had a difference of opinion. I learnt I could be strong enough to balance all the male egos behind the scenes in Vanilla. Its a daily job at times, this amazing balancing act. I'm surprised at times how protective I feel towards my guild mates. My online family. The truth is they have given me a great deal of joy. I am so thankful that the officers and councillors I have in the guild are so willing to blow up but then get back to normal. They have all been a rock. Some ofc more then others :)

I think if your going to be a good GM you cant be a fly by your pants type of person. You have to have rules and routines as no one likes change without a damn good reason. People like good organisation and a good social aspect fostered. I really try to do this, as do many of the people I play beside. I think people at times think I am a stickler for the rules, and yes they would be right. i have even lost people from my guild that I like immensely as I had to appear fair when I dealt with them....those times never make me feel very good.  If I have rules I have to stick by them....even my rl partner knows he is no exception to this but I am sure overall he respects me for it.

The guild are, as time goes by, more like family to me. I really do care for them. I try to take care of the newcomers, hope the existing motley crew except them....they usually do.

Online world, I don't care. I socialise with these people. Hoping to meet many of them in August in 2011. How many years we go on, I'm not sure.  But  I have every intention of going on as long as people are happy with what I'm trying to do.

/fingers crossed

The enigma of counting your blesses.

I have so many things I am so very thankful for. I am thankful for coming from a background where I was poor. It made me realise how grateful you should be for the money coming in for a job well done. My mother and father- my father predominately, worked shifts in the night and the day when I was a small child. My fondest and most earliest memories were when he came in from a nights work and got into bed, me behind him snuggling into his big warm protective back. I asked him if he could save me from an atomic war ( I was kinda obsessed with the mushroom cloud as a child) He said ofc not.  It was at the moment I learnt about keeping things real.

I count my blessings when I walk past the canals every day and clutching a starbucks, I head to work where I teach wonderful children who drive me mad yet they keep my young and active and full of wonderment.

I am grateful to my two brothers, my oldest a stranger to me until I grew up, but he became the brother I needed, one I can say anything to and he will, in his way tell me what he thinks honestly. My younger brother- same age as my boyfriend yet he seems so much younger....but represents my fun side....we have the same sense of humour...the laughing I have done with him would make tears spring like niagra falls from your eyes. I couldn't wish for two better siblings. My mum, what can I say? I wasn't always the best daughter to her. I was far too much on team father. But I always knew she was a woman who wouldn't think twice about laying her life down for anyone of us. If I am half the woman she is, Id die a happy woman. I know if my brothers read this they will laugh at me and tell me to stop boozing. But with a drink or not, even they know this is true.

My dad, my whole world. His not even in this world and he is still my whole world. I'm a stubborn mule like him, but I have a soft vulnerable side just like him. Wherever he is I raise a drink to him and its the only thing I look forward to about dying, to hopefully (if all this religion stuff is true) see my dad again. We wouldn't even hug, so not our style. First thing we would say to each other would be a piss take.

I've rambled,  I'm happy to be alive. I'm strong enough to deal with what life throws at me. Just don't take my mum or my brothers. Not for a while any ways.